Pricing (It's A Scam)
Choose your plan. They're all terrible.
Free
$99/mo
Yes, "free" costs money here.
- ❌ No features
- ❌ No support
- ❌ No refunds
- ❌ No hope
Premium
$999/mo
Same as free but you pay more.
- ❌ Still no features
- ❌ Still no support
- ❌ Hidden fees included
- ❌ Your soul (non-refundable)
Enterprise
$∞/mo
For companies that hate money.
- ❌ Guaranteed data breaches
- ❌ Lawsuit protection (we won't help)
- ❌ 24/7 downtime monitoring
- ❌ Dedicated account manager (they quit)
All plans include:
🔥 Instant data deletion • 💀 Zero encryption • 🌪️ Random crashes • 🗑️ No customer service • 💸 Surprise charges
Still interested?
We admire your terrible decision-making.